Twilight Through My Twisted Eyes
by XxDesecrateThroughReverancexX
Summary: How Twilight is interpreted by my brain... Weird, random, and stupid... but in a good way. Regular universe and such, meant to be funny, not offensive, and it seriously just Twilight on shrooms. Rated for language and explicit references.


_**Okay, um… well, this came to me a long time ago, and has been pestering me for ages… it's super random… well… here's a look into what goes through my head on a daily basis. Not meant to be offensive, just silly and odd. Enjoy- I guess?**_

School is boring. This is a universally known fact. All teenagers, of all backgrounds, know school as the word for utter nothingness and boredom. The Cullens, although immortal and super-totally-beautiful-and-sparkly-and-pale-and-c old-and-stuff, were never an exception to this timeless verity.

But today would not be so boring… for there strides the new student, hailing from God-knows-where, attracting a swarm of the killer-bees dubbed "high school students." Her name is Isabella Marie Swan, but, oh no, don't call her that! No, no, Bella. She likes Bella. Call her Isabella, and she'll pout you to death. She already has a bazillion friends. Not for her looks, though. She's like plain Jane… if poor old Jane had been kicked in the head by a horse as a child, for Bella lacked the capacity to display common human emotion. It's not that she didn't feel happy, sad, angry, loving… she just had a difficult time showing that she was a living, breathing, _thinking _human being.

So everyone was mesmerized by this ordinary human… except the Cullens. They all had their own fucking problems. Rosalie's issue was easiest to explain. She had her mirror out, and was spending her lunch period admiring herself and reminding herself that she was physically superior to everyone and everything that ever existed, EVER. Jasper was busy trying not to jump the students and have his _own _"lunch." Alice was busy checking the future to make sure he wouldn't follow through on his disturbing plans to slaughter the entire junior class. Alice also smiled dreamily from time to time, rocking herself back and forth, lost in La-La Land. An outsider would look at this and immediately deduce that she was on crack.

Emmett… he's just Emmett. Not much to him. He just sat there with this really dumb look on his face, staring at the wall. One might think he was counting the bricks in the wall, assuming he's able to count (which he might not be). Edward was busy wallowing in his own misery like a pig wallows in its own filth. The only difference is that a pig is happy in its filth. Edward is just a miserable kid, putting it simply. He glared at everyone who passed by just for the hell of it. He thought he was scary. If he'd been paying attention to the thoughts of the people he glowered at, he'd know that they were not, in fact, scared of him, but rather thought he was a complete tool with a stick shoved up his ass. Not that he'd mind having a stick up his ass… faggot.

Alice took a break from being Alice and asked Edward, "So, what's the new girl think of us?"

Edward, looking fully constipated, mumbled sullenly, "I don't know. Lemme look."

Edward turned towards the direction the new chick was sitting and put the index and middle fingers of his left hand to his left temple, and the index and middle fingers of his right hand to his right temple. He scrunched his face up and narrowed his eyes in concentration. He finally turned back towards Alice, his former Emo face back on.

"Nothing," he muttered.

Meanwhile, back at Isabella- excuse me, _Bella's _table, Jessica Stanley, a wannabe, overly-talkative smack-head, told young Is-_Bella_ the deets on the super-duper-beautiful-hot Cullens, exaggerating here, lying there, and sometimes implying that they were serial killers who drank the blood of their victims with relish (little did she know that she was right… and that it was a really bad time to be on the rag).

"Yeah, so, like," Jessica giggled, twirling her hair around her finger. She always seemed to have a hard time speaking correctly. "Those are the Cullens"- she made it into two syllables- "and they're, like, super weird. There's Emmett, the buff one"- she pointed to Emmett, whose blank stare had progressed to a steady drip of venomous drool from his slack lip- "his girlfriend, Rosalie"- Jessica pointed to Rosalie, and spoke her name bitterly- "and Alice and her boyfriend Jasper. They're the weirdest."

"What about the other guy?" Bella inquired dully. She had interest, all right, but, again, she had difficulty showing it.

"Oh, him? That's Edward."

Isa- ugh, damn, _Bella _licked her lips hungrily and thought, _Damn boy, don't you got a face that just begs to be sat on_-

"Don't bother," Jessica snapped rudely, breaking her new friend out of her daydream. "He's gay."

"Really?" Bella was a little disappointed, but not so surprised; Edward _was _a bit of a pretty boy.

"I mean, he _has _to be gay, otherwise, why would he have turned _me _down, right?"

Is- fuck me, _Bella _took one long look at Jessica Stanley and reckoned that any straight guy who'd want to stick it in _her_ had to be blind… and deaf. Bella sat a little straighter, reassured and wanting to continue her dirty thinking and fantasizing. Curse her luck, Jessica just had to start talking again.

"Anyways, they moved down her from Alaska a couple of years ago. They all live together, but they're, like, not related." Her voice took on the tone of scandal. "So basically, they're all together, but they're technically siblings. Gross, right?"

Bella shrugged noncommittally, busy imagining Edward's dick in her body… didn't matter to her which orifice it would be.

Jessica seemed a little deflated, having expected a better reaction. "Yeah. Dr. Cullen, their adoptive dad, took them in when they were little. Rosalie and Jasper are twins. They're Dr. Cullen's wife's niece and nephew."

"What's Dr. Cullen's wife's name?" Bella asked.

"Who the fuck cares? Anywho, that's all there is to it. They don't talk to anyone, so don't expect them to break out of their shells anytime soon."

"Ah," Bella replied, not really interested in what Jessica was saying, but focusing on what Edward's sex face might look like. She smiled to herself and put a hand between her legs, hoping no one would notice.

Just then, a wild Eric Yorkie appeared, holding a stack of comics under one arm and his bag of lunch in the other.

"Hey, you're new, right?" Eric asked Bella breathlessly, seeming to have a never-ceasing asthma attack. "I'm Eric. Isabella?"

"Bella," Bella sighed.

"Cool, Isabella," Eric called her anyway, ignoring her correction. He spoke very fast, despite his lack of air. "Hey listen, none of the other girls in school wanna bang me because of my greasy hair, bad complexion, and social retardation. Wanna go out with me?"

"Um," Bella said.

"It's a date," he grinned, leaving her to sit there, staring at the place where he was standing and wondering what the fuck just happened.

Back to Edward, who was staring at Bella with perplexity and constipation clear on his face.

"What's the matter, Eddie?" Alice whispered.

"I can't read her mind," he answered. "It's strange…"

Alice shrugged. "Maybe the years of sexual frustration are coming back to haunt you."

"Maybe I- wait, what?"

"Mm-hmm," Alice continued, nodding. "The lack of sex is messing your mind up, so your power's not working."

Edward stared, head cocked to the side.

"I could always help you with that…"

Edward jumped when he felt Alice's small hand stroking his thigh. Lucky for both of them, Jasper was too busy trying not to kill people.

Jessica Stanley walked by then to throw her garbage away. Like was mentioned, she picked a _really_ bad day to be riding the crimson wave. Jasper smelled the blood, but he would've been able to disregard it, had it not been coming from her genitals. Sure, he was married and loved his wife (despite her attempts at seducing Edward) but the idea of blood on some girl's crotch… yeah, it was bad.

Edward decided to test his power out on Jasper to make sure it was still working. He made his derpiest face and focused. All he heard running through Jasper's mind was, _FML, FML, FMLFMLFMLFMLFML!_

Edward cringed at Jasper's little "problem" and went back to sulking. Every now and then, he'd try to pick up on Bella's thoughts again, but to no avail.

Rosalie got bored with all of it and put her hand on Emmett's shoulder. This was not a good idea.

"Hey, babe, wanna go-" was all Rosalie was able to say to Emmett, for he had been deeply startled by Rosalie's sudden touch and voice and jumped out of his chair. He ran away, screaming all the way.

"_Raaaaape_," he bawled as he ran the perimeter of the lunchroom. "RAAAAAPE! RAPE! RAPE! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

And the Cullens' boring lunch ended like that, with all of them trying to calm Emmett down.

_**Um, what'd y'all think? Not funny enough, too weird, eh? I got really bored, and this came to me. Sigh.**_


End file.
